The W.I.S.E. Way to Raise Kids

Anytime you need to talk to your son or daughter about important issues, you want to be prepared. Here are four tips that are easy to remember because they spell “wise.”

“W” is for Welcome. No one enjoys dinners, activities, or conversations that are tense. Your son or daughter needs to feel your love and to know that you care and look forward to talking to him or her. They need to feel secure talking to you. Most importantly, your child is more likely to talk and listen to you if neither of you is angry or upset

Talking to Your Pre-Teen or Teen About Waiting is filled with tips for parents about talking with their child, pre-teen, or teen in a welcoming way, about any tough topic.

“I” is for Interest. Show your interest by asking questions in a comfortable way.

Adults generally introduce topics gently when they are talking to other adults but sometimes aren’t so gentle with their own children. For example, don’t warn, “You’d better not be having sex!” Instead, ask, “Do you think there is a lot of pressure to have sex at your school?” This can start the conversation, and then you can tell your son or daughter your values.

Here are some suggestions for how to bring up tough topics:

• Start with a general question or observation.
• Let your child be the expert on his or her world.
• Ask about peer pressure.
• Ask how you can help.

For example, ask your teen: “Is there someone you really like?”, “What kinds of things do you do together?” “Are you ever alone together?” “Have you ever felt pressured or wanted to have sex?” “If you’ve felt pressured or wanted to have sex, how did you handle that?”

“S” is for Support Good Goals. When your son or daughter has goals for the future, he or she is more likely to make good choices. Do you know what your children, pre-teens, or teens’ goals are? What do they hope to accomplish in the coming year? When they are an adult? Ask them about their goals for jobs in the future and what their plans are to get ready for them. Ask what their goals are for marriage, family, and a career.

Most importantly, listen carefully to your son or daughter.

Help your child to develop the values of honesty, responsibility, and caring. Remember, values about education, marriage, and trust are more easily “caught” than “taught.” You and your behavior are the most valuable “values” educator!

“E” is for Encourage, Educate, Empower and Expect. Educate and encourage your son or daughter to make healthy decisions. When topics come up about sex, don’t think that you need to know all the answers. Just be honest when you don’t and offer to help find out the facts for them. This Web site can help you. Sex and Risky Behaviors has lots of information to make you just “expert enough” and Sexual Development and Reproduction provides lots of information about topics like puberty, the reproductive system, and pregnancy.

Effective parents not only teach and encourage their children, but they also set high expectations for them and clearly communicate those expectations.

Effective parents also set limits. Talking to Your Pre-Teen or Teen About Waiting has information about topics like setting house rules.

How to Talk to Your Pre-Teen or Teen

People communicate in many different ways. The most obvious is talking, what we say. But HOW you say things is just as important. And listening is just as important as talking. If your son or daughter feels like you don’t listen to what he or she has to say, he or she won’t listen to you.

Here are some things to think about when talking with your child, pre-teen, or teen:

What is your tone of voice? When you are talking to your son or daughter, HOW do you sound? Encouraging? Interested? Angry? Bored?

What is your body language? How do you LOOK to your son or daughter? Try to sit or stand in a relaxed position. Don’t look “all tense.” Face your son or daughter. Look at him or her when you are talking and when you are listening.

What does your face look like? You say a lot when you smile, frown, roll your eyes, or tighten your jaw like you are angry. When you talk with your son or daughter make eye contact.

Are you listening, really listening? It sounds simple, but listening is very important. The best listening is called “active listening.” It means making eye contact, nodding your head in understanding, and having positive facial expressions.

Some Good Ways to Talk

Want your son or daughter to know your values and beliefs about sex? It’s simple – tell him or her. If you can do a good job talking with your son or daughter, and building a strong relationship, you can help keep him or her safe and healthy.

The two most important things to communicate are:

• “I love you and will always love you.”
• “I have expectations for your behavior.”

Here are seven important parts of the many conversations you will have with your son or daughter. For each, we point out the right way and the wrong way to communicate.

The Right Way	The Wrong Way
Address the problem – talk about the issue, the problem, the behavior, and the decision.	Attack the person – Make your son or daughter feel you think there is something WRONG with him or her.
Make eye contact and pay attention to what your son or daughter is saying.	Sit or stand in a way that looks like you are not paying attention, don’t care, or don’t value what your son or daughter has to say.
Listen when your son or daughter speaks.	Interrupt when your son or daughter speaks.
Point out good things about your son or daughter.	Point out bad things about your son or daughter.
Be firm and clear in telling your son or daughter what you believe.	Tell your son or daughter different things when you talk at different times. Make it sound like your values have changed.
Let your son or daughter know you want to hear what he or she has to say.	Do or say things that make your son or daughter think you are not interested in his or her thoughts and opinions.
Clearly state your expectations. Setting expectations for your son or daughter’s behaviors lets them know you believe they can make smart and healthy choices.	Do not let your son or daughter know your expectations. Your son or daughter will not know what you think is right or wrong.